How to get your authority back.

After 6 years of what I call a “transformational & healing marriage” my ex-partner and I were moving through a phase of transformation into a new space of relating. I don’t give the way we are relating a label nor a name. Others would probably call it “good friends”. We have decided to go through the divorce process. The paperwork is at work and the legal part at the court is still ahead. Only by going through this experience, I realised how deeply I am still hooked through this legal bond into the capitalistic empire.

To name it this way sounds huge, and actually it is when you see it the following way.

I have to say this before. Maybe you will never get a divorce and maybe you already went through one or more or there might be one in your future. I don’t want to tell you what is right or wrong, this is not my intention. I want to give you the perspective I have now, so you can choose whatever is the best for you.

This might trigger you or put you off. I recommend, if you feel an emotional reaction, that you will take care of your emotion. Please don’t suppress them. They have valuable information in them. The gift lies within.

The construct of marriage

Tapping into the construct of “marriage” is on an energetic level as giving your authority away to the government. By saying legally “yes” to your wife or husband you say “yes” to all the rules of engagement the current system is committed to, if you want them or not. They come all with this package and I was not really aware of it.

When I got married I found it romantic that there is the civil registrar to document the answers. I thought she was there to witness but actually she was there to represent the authority in this procedure. Which means as a consequence we had, I had no authority anymore.

After being married for almost 5 years now and on the way to close this adventure, I am faced with the same procedure. We have to go to court, where the judge will interview me and my still-husband. He or she will judge, if our request is reasonable and to be approved.

When I brought this up in various conversations people would say „Yeah, but that is not a big deal. You have an easy divorce. Everything is clear and spoken out.“ or „This is how it works, you will get through it.“

What the hack! I feel angry that I did not notice that game I was opting in before. It is like the parent gives approval to the kids, who are asking for divorce.

When playing this game you automatically give your centre away by saying Yes in the first place. You say Yes to the system and actually No to your own authority. This is literally the same internal game we played as children to survive childhood in our society. To stay safe, fed and loved by parents or parental figures, people are giving their center, their own authority away to their parents or parental figures.

What does it mean to have your authority?

In the contrary, having and keeping your center, means you have authority and you are operating in a small here and now without having the purpose of your action oriented in survival mode, you have your full capacity of choice available and you can play full out and create what you want in life and not what a system is dictating you.

If you don`t get your center, your authority back, this survival strategy will rule unconsciously your life, because it feels “safe”. As Veit Lindau so rightly says on an inspiration card, “it feels like a warmly furred cave” and we know life happens outside this cave.

The system is representing the authority and we are playing such a game of power over and submission. I was not conscious about my choice 5 years ago and I feel glad I am realising it and got my choice back.

I feel glad that I am getting out of this prison, which I chose to live in for 5 years. I mean not the relating part, that was awesome. These 7 years together with M. were the most transformative and healing years of my life until now and I am truly grateful for evolving together. And the best is, we live at the same communal place and we are still having a great time. I am giving him the space to evolve as a free human being and he does the same with me. We are meeting as adults and negotiating our relating space from a new space inside of us.

Inner structure

My inner structure of how intimate relating spaces have to be and look like has completely shifted. The last months while we have been separating as intimate partners, I was observing how often I was relating with M. through my Parent ego state. The Parent ego state is driven by internalised rules which are surfacing with “shoulds, musts, and have-tos”. Here you find the article I wrote about the different ego states, if you want to research more about it.

The last year I am getting more space into my Adult ego state, from which I have access to new possibilities of creation for my life. I am opening up new ways of relating, new collaborations are emerging and my life force, which was focused on “making it through everything together” is freed up. I had the belief that “it must be possible, there must be a way to move through this transformation together.” These are the “musts” I was talking about earlier. I was wrong. It did not work. Our relational system needed to get in a new position, new perspective, new space, so that for me and him the necessary evolution was and still is possible.

Observing systems and living organisms are one of my passions for almost 15 years. The inner world of humans, each a unique composition of Being-parts and aspects, inner structure, blocks, invented energetic technologies to ensure our survival, life forces, resources in various kinds like feelings, sensations, energetic bodies and more. The outer world of humans organised in groups, teams, companies, communities, cities, tribes, nations and others.
I observe and experience different stages of development. I am fascinated by how deeply ingrained patterns of our childhood are manifested in how we are building companies, teams, game-worlds, countries, nations and the earth at the global or better say universal scale.

And I truly believe that something else is possible, instead of childhood traumatised reactions we are designed to become Initiated Adults who are creating another way of collaborating and living together.

In between my early twenties up to my early thirties I was using family constellation as a tool of personal development. Since I started living in community the constellation work shifted to a new level into systemic constellation work. Back then I did not know this term but we as a community collective were using constellations regularly to make the invisible visible. To surface the movement of the tectonic plates on which our system was based on. We were using constellations whenever the next step of transformation was ahead but something got stuck. Especially in bigger organisms the complexity is growing immensely and the mind has no longer the capacity to understand.
This is the best point on the path of evolution to use tools which are able to make complexity visible, navigable and digestible without having to blow off the complete organism.

Looking through this energetic lens onto the concept of marriage got me thinking how limiting for us humans it is to relate through a designed, fixed rule set instead of an constant evolving relating path. What I found is that it needs much more clarity, dedication, relating work for staying “up to date” means staying in the presence with your partner. Being together where life happens, aliveness, joy, adventure, research, collaboration and more is possible without limitations.

It comes with a price. The price is you can not blame the circumstances, the husband, your wife and refer to the agreement you made many years ago. You stay in the aliveness in the here and now or you are hooked on a dead set of rules. No compromise to that.

What are you choosing?

Thank you for making your own choice.

Love, Christine